I’m having a hard time living like this. It’s not really even living. I’m just going through the motions, day to day. Trying to get through.
I’m just so tired of being in pain. So tired of it being the only thing I can think about and hence talk about.
Once again I find myself asking ‘why’?
Life sucks, it’s hard and there are so few bright days that I really wonder what the point is.
I met a dear friends of mine in 2001 when I was looking to rent a house. She and her husband had just put one on the market and we hit it off immediately. When I called to inquire about the house, her voice sounded just like my aunt. And she noted that my voice sounded like her niece.
Needless to say we rented the place and she and I became more than friends. I stayed in that house for 16 years, and we became family. She was a stand-in mom for me as I had lost mine in 1998 and I desperately needed the love, understanding and guidance of an older woman. She helped me through so many things. The pregnancy and birth of my second child, she was like a grandmother to my children; the sharp decline and end of my marriage of 18 years; just to mention a couple.
I was there for her when her husband passed away, and even after I moved from the house we stayed close. Phone calls, visits, dinners and celebrations.
We found out in early February that she has cancer. We continued our calls and visits, but then life got in the way and I lost track of time. A month went by where I didn’t call or visit. I went today to see her and was not prepared for what I was walking into. She is fully bedridden and has stopped eating. She couldn’t even form a coherent thought or sentence. I held her hand, spoke to her briefly as her eyes struggled to stay open, then kissed her forehead, told her I love her and then left in tears.
You never know how long you have and you just take the days for granted. I had no idea that the visit I had with her last month would be the last one we would enjoy together.
So now I find myself asking again, why?
Life is full of so much pain, suffering, conflict, disappointment and despair. I just do not understand.
How do you get through? Day-in and day-out, dealing with pain 24×7?
I tried to be strong yesterday and not take any meds. My tolerance is so high that I am so afraid that taking meds everyday, as I have had to recently, is going to cause them to stop working.
Well, I paid dearly for it it last night.
Last night was one of my worst. I was so tired, but lying down hurt so bad that I spent 90% of the night in my chair. Even clothing hurts today, and that’s a new one for me as well. I probably should’ve stayed home as I was finally sleeping pretty decent when my alarm went off, but I’m not one that can shirk responsibilities.
So pain pill down the hatch and off to work I go.
Sometimes I wish I could just runaway.
The problem is, what I want to runaway from is myself and my overthinking, pain-ridden body.